It Happened to Me: I’m Fat, Love to Dance and it Blows Peoples’ Minds!

I love to dance. I also love to eat. What happens when you combine these two things? A fat dancing queen. Which is exactly what I am. I love to bust a move when given the chance whether it means I’m doing a not-so-subtle two step down the cereal isle at the grocery store or workin’ it like it’s my job at Zumba. Some of the best times I can remember have involved me listening to the jams of my choice and breaking it down with friends (including ones I arrived at the scene with or new ones I made on the dance floor). So why am I telling you this? Well, for starters I was moved by some reaction pieces to an article recently posted on XOJane entitled ‘It Happened to Me: There Are No Black People In My Yoga Classes and I’m Suddenly Feeling Uncomfortable With It” In the article, the writer (a thin, white woman) explains her reaction to, for the first time, having a curvacious black woman in her class. I don’t go into details about what she says because, quite honestly, it gives me a headache. What I do want to go into, however, is a reaction piece I read. In “I’m a Big Black Girl Around Small White People and I’m Suddenly Feeling Uncomfortable With It: My Response to xoJane,” writer CeCe Olisa discuses her experience in a mostly white yoga class. What jumped out at me in the article was the expectation that, because she was larger, she wouldn’t be able to do the poses and that when she did she was greeted with praise because she defied the expectation. Being a larger lady myself, I can relate to CeCe’s experience quite a bit.

Single Lady Beauty: Chocolate Coffee Hair Rinse

It may seem that Candace and I spend most of our time talking about how we wish we had love in our lives.  In reality, the dating pool is terrifying and it’s a lot safer to just stay at home and cuddle our pets (in my case) and jazz up our lipstick collection (in Candace’s case).   I think one of the greatest things about being single is that I can do all sorts of weird shit to myself, and not be worried that my actions are making my paramour think twice.  I know that the beauty stuff that ladies do to themselves freaks guys out because I have personally experienced a soured relationship.

I was dating a guy who lived his life #YOLO to the utmost (I also suspect that he was secret CIA, but that’s another story). Things were going swimmingly with us, until the day I realized I left my car keys at his place.  He found them and told me he would drop them off at my house on a Sunday morning before heading to a round of golf (SO ANGLO, I know).  Instead of letting my roommate’s boyfriend answer the door for me, I rushed out of the kitchen in a hair towel, fleece bathrobe adorned with baby blue stripes and peace signs (it was a Christmas present in high school, and SUPER warm), and of course, a bright green face mask.  I opened the door, and #YOLO stepped back in fear, and carefully handed me my car keys.  Our affair quickly fizzled out after that. I suspect that his penchant for blacking out and my penchant for weekend beauty treatments is what did us in.

The “I Still Live at Home Because Lipsticks” Challenge: Days 3-7

I am doing it! I am really doing it. But posting every day seems a little silly so from now on I will post once week and discuss my (hopefully) successful week in lipstick wearing.

These past few days I went for more subtle colors. On Saturday, I wore Kat Von D’s Painted Love Lipstick in Love Craft. This is a go-to for me after I went to Sephora and asked my friend to find me a color that looked like “my lips at this exact moment.” You know how, sometimes, your lips just miraculously look great without any color on them? For me it happens like once a year so I wanted to capture the moment and find what the makeup ladies call the “My Lips But Better” lipstick. My buddy found this one for me and I love it. It’s described as a berry beige but on me it’s more of a muted pink.

I buy Kat Von D products because it makes me feel like a badass.

It’s matte, looks natural and adds a little color to my face so I don’t look like the washed out zombie that I am when I first wake up. Score!

Before I continue, I would like to point out that one positive thing about being a makeup hoarder is that every now and then, you get something for free! MAC has the “Back to MAC” program where you can redeem 6 empty MAC products for a free lipstick. Now of course in actuality you paid for this “free” item 6 times over (hence the 3 empty containers) but it’s still exciting to get a treat just for trading in your trash (or an empty mac container you found on the street – true story). I would also like to add that it took me about 4 years to get 6 empty containers so I savored the moment. With some advice from my fashionable friend, Briana, I bought Mehr. Unfortunately Mehr happens to be part of the “Middle Eastern Collection” which, to me, just SCREAMS cultural appropriation. I am not about that life but I didn’t know that it was part of the line at the time so don’t hold it against me. This one is a “dirty blue pink” – whatever the hell that means. It’s a matte one, and y’all know I love my mattes! I like the look but more importantly I like FEELING. I like knowing that I have lipstick on so I don’t chew on my lips which is something I tend to do absentmindedly. The smoother lipsticks don’t last very long on me because apparently I like to eat my own face.

What exactly makes this “dirty”?

Minus the slight cultural insensitivity, this one is a winner! Just in case you were wondering, the other colors in this line have names like “Tabla” and “Yash” which are actually Indian words/names. Indian, you know, as in NOT the Middle East. Ok well maybe they can get away with “Tabla” because it comes from the Arabic word “tabl” and… ok why am I defending this? The line is a bad idea! Oh, MAC.

Are you guys bored yet? Me too. But let’s press on, shall we? Ok so Monday I wore Syrup by Mac. This one does not have an offensive name which is great but didn’t last very long, which is not so great.  This one is SUPER smooth and makes me forget I have lipstick on. For a normal person that’s a good thing but for me it means I can rub my hands all over my face and chew on my lips and make it disappear. Oh well. It was nice while it lasted. This one is a sheer pink with a purple tone. I like purple. I don’t know why. If I can figure out a way to stop ingesting it, I think I’ll use it more often

This one is called syrup… maybe that’s why I kept eating it.

Tuesday was the wild card! Technically this wasn’t a lipstick but since it was a lip color I figured it still counted as part of the experiment. Plus, I only recently bought it so in order to not feel like the biggest money waster that ever wasted money, I used it. My bff and co-blogger Valeria has been singing the praises of Lush for years but I ignored her. Partially because I thought Lush was for hippies and partially because I had this sneaking suspicion that if I ever purchased any of their products I would be hooked. Well, I was right. Total hippie store with hippie products and totally addictive! Once I upgraded my skincare (which was 100% necessary) I bought the ‘It Started With a Kiss’ lip tint… because it kind of reminds me of the Killers’ song Mr. Brightside. Whatever! I wanted it, ok?! And I like it. It’s easy to use, gives a natural flush and it stains the lips as opposed to just sitting on top so even when I’m drinking my morning (afternoon… and late afternoon) coffees, it doesn’t come off. Yay Lush! You money swallowing bastards.

I feel like that the title of this lip stain is teasing me about being single. RUDE.

Wednesday.. well Wednesday I just wore syrup again. Thinking about how you think is hard work, guys! And I don’t think it’s work I’m cut out for. I mean, have you ever seen my hair? I’ll give myself a break, though, because lipsticks are meant to be used more than once, right? Plus doing this whole thing has allowed me to rediscover some colors I didn’t even know I had – kind of like shopping in your own closet and finding that awesome New Kids on the Block shirt you didn’t know you had. Oh wait, am I the only one that has a New Kids on the Block shirt? And it’s not awesome? Oh…

Powering through! Week 2 here I come!

The “I Still Live At Home Because Lipticks” Challenge: Day 2

Day 2 and going strong! I decided to use one of my stranger lipsticks – RiRi Hearts MAC in the color Heaux. Now what makes this lipstick so weird is that a) I don’t even like Rihanna and b) the name is pronounced “hoe” as in… well you know. I cant help but think of the Ludacris song when I put it on. But, nevertheless, I went for it. I knew I had a concert in the evening (Jake Bugg! Woo hoo!) and thought it would be right for the occasion.

I realized my lipstick matched the wine and wasn’t sure how I felt about it.

“Heaux” is described as a “matte berry” – it is definitely matte (which I love) but I would say it comes out as more of a fuchsia berry on me. This one lasted for a while though I took it for in the afternoon so I could obsessively kiss my baby nephews little head. It doesn’t feel too dry for a matte color which is nice because some matte lipsticks can feel you ate a box of chalk. It also leaves a nice stain on your lips even after you take it off. RiRi, you did good.

The “I Still Live At Home Because Lipsticks” Challenge: Day 1

As you may know from my previous post about this, I own WAY too many lipsticks. I have a huge range of shades, styles (matte, shiny, glossy, etc) and brands. It’s no secret that I am obsessed with buying lipsticks but when it comes to wearing them, I am a major slacker. So, in an effort to be a more fabulous twenty-something (before I’m suddenly a thirty-something) I’ve decided to challenge myself to wear my prized possessions. In public. Like, around other people. Not just in my own bathroom.

Now, kind reader, you may say that this doesn’t sound much like a challenge but oh, you are wrong. The biggest challenge of this challenge (did I say challenge enough?) is the documentation. For it to be a true test of will, I need to have photographic evidence. This requires taking the dreaded selfie. GASP! I am ill at the thought! But, in all fairness, this is what Valeria likes to call a utilitarian selfie so we can let it slide. (Selfies are still stupid, though).

Day 1 of the “I Still Live At Home Because Lipsticks” Challenge – Bare Minerals Marvelous Moxie Lipstick in Lead The Way. This is described as a “wine” but I would say it’s more of a deep purpley pinky-ish color (because I’m so technical). For whatever reason I felt that I needed to match my outfit so I wore pink (which I never do) and purple.  Basically what I’ve learned after day 1 is that not only do I never use my lipsticks but I also don’t know how to dress myself. Here’s to becoming a woman!

I’m not smiling because I hate selfies.

I had to reapply this one quite a bit because it’s pretty silky and because I am 12 years and always touching my face. Hopefully I’ll get better as this project progresses. Onward to day 2!

“What Did They Do To Captain America?!” And What Your Hair Says About You

I love me some super heroes. Specifically, I love super hero movies. Hot dudes in tight costumes, what’s not to love? Hollywood has, for the most part, done an incredible job of casting some very studly actors to portray these hunky heroes (excluding Ben Affleck’s short stint at Dare Devil. We’ll just forget that ever happened). Generally, these films have allowed for some action packed summer fun and blockbuster caliber eyecandy. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine? More of that, please! Chris Hemsworth as the mighty Thor? MORE OF THAT, PLEASE! Michael Fassbender as Magneto? OH YEAH! Ok so Magneto was technically a bad guy but when he’s using his mutation to kill Nazis, you really can’t hate on the guy. Anyway, this all brings me to another successful comic book casting: Chris Evans as Captain America. Not only is he delightfully buff but as Steve Rogers AKA Captain America, the super soldier, he has a heart of gold and old fashioned manners that melt your heart (and your loins.) I love my boo Thor but if I had to choose one hero that edges out the other hunks as the target of my affection, it would have to be Captain America. You just can’t resist the charm of a man who will pull out a chair for you, kiss you on the hand or jump on a grenade to save you – if it ever came down to that.

What a flipping dreamboat

While I didn’t love the first movie (I just couldn’t get in board with the whole devil faced Nazis thing), I fully enjoyed the sausage fest known as the Avengers (sorry, Scarlett. I wasn’t looking at you but thanks for representing for the ladies). With new found love for Captain America, I was excited for the sequel “Captain Ameria” Winter Soldier.” Until my BFF Valeria shared the I saw the trailer. Something was different… he looks different.  His hair. What…WHAT DID THEY DO TO HIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR? Part of Captain America’s charm in The Avengers was that, as soldier from WWII now transplanted to present day, his fish out of water antics were tooth achingly sweet. He was a walking time capsule full of amusing old-timey catch phrases, mannerisms and clean cut style – and it was freakin’ adorable, people! Apparently the folks over at Marvel felt it was time for a change and voila – Captain America has 1990s boy band hair complete with Lance Bass frosted tips. For the love of all that is good and pure WHY?!

THIS IS NOT OK AND IT WILL NEVER BE OK, OK?!

By this time you might be thinking “Whoa, it’s just a haircut” and that, my dear reader, is where you’d be WRONG! A haircut, much like one’s choice of clothing, communicates something to the world. Think about women’s haircuts and you’ll know exactly what I mean. Long, middle parted wavy locks tell me that you’re probably pretty trendy while a super short cut tells me you’re edgy. Your hair says something about you before you ever open your mouth and it’s one of the first things people notice about you – I mean, they don’t make a million different shampoos for nothing. Men’s haircuts are just as communicative. Let’s run through some examples, shall we?

I Still Live At Home Because Lipsticks

Unlike many of my other 20something counterparts who are busy conquering the world and/or making the hugest mistakes of their lives and/or eating ramen every day to pay their rent, I am doing none of those things. Rather, I am still living comfortably at home. Yup, it’s still me and my mom chumming it up, watching Dancing with the Stars and Chopped every night. It’s not too bad, really, but like any normal adult human being, I would like to move out. Of course, what I’ve come to realize is that in order to make my move into the realm of adulthood, there is one major thing I need to do: SAVE MONEY! I’ve actually gotten quite good at this in recent months but it’s been a struggle for me to fight against the constant urge to buy lipsticks. Yes, lipsticks. Those luscious tubes of creamy color have been the cause of my demise.

Now the weird thing about these lipsticks is that I don’t actually wear them that often, I just love the thrill of trying them on, deciding they look fabulous, shelling out the cash for them and then never wearing them again. I realize this a waste of both time and money -not to mention utterly insane – but there is just something about the thrill of buying a little tube of sass to keep you going on those long days. Haven’t you ever noticed that Sephora is always PACKED at 6 o’clock? I know that I am not the only woman who fancies a new cosmetic item after a long day of work. Apparently the sale of lipstick has risen considerably since the start of the recession. Why? Because being sad about having no money translates into using the little money you do have to feel pretty. Duh!

Could this be my future?!

I’ve realized that using money I should   be saving for the betterment of my future to buy lipsticks at 15+ dollars a pop is basically a one way road to a future as little Edie in Grey Gardens 2.0 – time to make a change. But like any addict, I can’t just quit cold turkey so I’m weaning myself off of my cosmetic dependency by finding low cost alternatives (and by abusing the CVS extra bucks system to get as many coupons as possible). Case in point, my new favorite thing in the world: Nyx Matte Lip cream. WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME ABOUT THESE SOONER?! They’re perfect because they’re pretty, inexpensive and help tame my various cosmetic neuroses. Let me show you them!

So pretty!

Neurosis #1: wanting to wear matte lipstick but hating the matte feel – the eternal struggle for the irrational makeup enthusiast, but not anymore! I don’t know what kind of witch craft/Santeria/voodoo these people use but they have somehow been able to create a lip product that looks matte but stays soft on your lips and doesn’t make you feel as if you just ate a box of chalk.

Neurosis #2: Wanting to wear bright lipstick but not wanting to commit. Haven’t you ever tried something on at Sephora that is so wildly out of your everyday routine/cosmetic personality that you know you’ll never wear it but somehow, in the moment, convinced yourself that if you buy it, you’ll somehow figure out a way to incorporate it into your look? That’s happened to me on more than a few occasions and I almost always regret those purchases. Everyone has those “going out” colors which, for me, are a complete waste because I much prefer streaming Netflix by myself on a Saturday night than squeezing myself into spanx and going the club – but I digress. What my point is, these are so inexpensive that you don’t feel too guilty having one or two colors that you know you’ll only use once in a while.

This is the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.

Which brings me to Neurosis #3: buying an expensive product but never using it precisely because it’s so expensive. Now this one REALLY makes no sense. You’d think if you were going to shell out $20 for one item you’d want to use it as much as possible to get your money’s worth. Au contraire. My lipstick collection is more like a museum. I love to admire all of the lovely items I have collected but rarely touch them. I realize that this is totally cray cray but somehow, in my twisted brain it makes sense. In the brain of a rational person it means YOU WILL LIVE AT HOME FOREVER! Which again, brings me to the fabulosity of my new favorite cheap find. At $6 each I don’t feel guilty for using these lip creams, in fact it makes me want to use them even more. I’ll rub them all over my face for $6!

Homegirl stole my look.

Thanks to my new found love for the cheap, I feel confident that I can save money while attempting to look cute. This is all great because a) I will be able to move out (eventually) b) I will be able to find a husband (eventually) and c) I will break free from the money sucking neuroses that have had a hand in stopping me from doing both (see: a & b). Now if I could just stop myself from buying every mascara on the market we’d be golden! New Years resolution anyone?

Plastic Surgery as Self-Expression

I fucking love tattoos.  On other people.  I personally, am terrified of committing to something that will be on my body forever (although I’ve contemplated the same tattoo since I was fifteen). I admired one dudes sleeve outside of some non-douchey bar in Adams Morgan (the only one …possibly) and he, in his drunken stupor, said “You’d be totally hot with a really sick sleeve.”  I appreciated his comment, but fear he is grossly mistaken. A sleeve would totally cover up my kick-ass birthmark in the shape of a running dog!

Besides, like I said — commitment.  It took me 8 years of diligently wearing makeup to commit to wearing red lipstick.  And even then, it comes off. I’m alright with my only body modification being my pierced ears.  I didn’t make the decision lightly.  In fact, I didn’t make the decision at all.  I popped out of my mama, matured a few weeks, and then the nurses at the hospital poked holes in my earlobes.  I’m sure it hurt.  But I’m OK not knowing either way.

Our Vaginas, Ourselves, (Also, Insecurity)

Don’t call it a Pussy.

That is unless it’s getting hot and heavy, and you’re into the dirty talk and for some reason the word conjures up images of naked ladies, as opposed to a furry feline.

Why I Have A Love-Hate Relationship With Eating (You Know You Do Too!)

So, my plan for lunch today was to go to the Asian food place and get some nom nom lettuce wraps to eat.  But STARING AT MY FUCKING FACE was a sign saying “happy hour special!” — that began right at the time that I showed up to get my lunch.

As anyone that knows me will tell you, if there’s a deal — I’m on it.  Buy 2 Economy-Sized boxes of Baking Soda and get a 3rd Free? I’m in!  A BOGO on wilting strawberries at Giant?  COUNT ME IN!  This Happy Hour special involved a delish full meal — with a soup and an entree — and even a soda (I love soda, this is why I don’t have it at the house).

So, I gave in, and got the happy hour special, which included a take-out cup-size portion of Asian chicken noodle soup (lemony and cilantro-y! my faves) and Beef with Brocolli, since it’s the only entree that didn’t have any meat or vegetable deep-fried into delicious oblivion.

I sat at my desk, savoring the noodle soup that ended up burning my tongue — and I have to say, that I’m satisfied in terms of how much food I can fit into my stomach.  But sitting next to me, is a delicious, still-warm, helping of Beef and Brocolli just being to be covered in Rooster sauce and put inside my mouth!