Need A Little Nudge to Spice Up Your Dating Life? Check Out Love At First Site Tonight!

Candace and I are always sharing with y’all our annoyances with the dating pool, and although many of our blog readers commiserate with our experiences, it’s safe to say that Candace and I are the worst people to give you dating advice.  We’re no experts! We literally have NO proven results from people following our advice. What we do have thankfully, is a good sense of humor about the whole thing.  So, that’s why I’ve turned to Erika Ettin of A Little Nudge for some online dating feedback.

Unlike us, Erika has proven results from people taking her online dating advice. She works with her clients to vamp up their online profiles to get the best results, and she was gracious enough to answer a few questions for us while she prepares for Love at First Site, on Monday, April 28, at Sixth & I Synagogue where she’ll go even more in depth. The best part?  If you like what Erika is saying here … you can win a pair of tickets to see her speak tonight! Details after Erika’s Q&A!

Tips for Online Dating: Window of Opportunity

A recent exchange on twitter has led me to a simple conclusion.  So many of us dating online, are failing time and time again to date offline.  And then we complain about why we’re still single.

@db it’s not just unique to the ladies… Flakey is the name of the game on those apps

— Valeria Villarroel (@ItsValerious) February 9, 2014

@ItsValerious That’s sad. I’ve had great convos on them but no follow through.

— Damien (@db) February 9, 2014

I find that this is the key reason why so many of us are disillusioned the dating pool.  People like to say that meeting someone online is all about percentages and algorithms. WRONG. It’s all about TIMING. There is a very small window of opportunity once you open up conversation with a stranger.  That window, on average lasts somewhere between 3 to 7 days — a little longer if you’ve been proactive and gotten yourself on the schedule of a particularly busy person.

Tips for Online Dating: Be Patient!

I know in this fast paced world people want and expect answers now now NOW! But when it comes to dating, you have to be a little patient. Why? Well because you can’t have everything you want when you want it, Varuca Salt! Also because when you’re trying to cultivate a relationship with another person you have to understand that everyone is on a different time table and may not be able to answer you right away. This is something I, myself find very difficult. If it takes too long for someone to answer my text I freak out internally thinking they have realized they don’t want to date me anymore and obviously hate me. I am constantly talking myself down from the cliff of insanity by reminding myself that people are busy and that, I too,  sometimes take a while to respond. Understanding this is important in order to convey to your potential partner that you can be accommodating and that you respect their time. These are great qualities in a mate – and none of the men I have been speaking to have it.

Recently I have been back on OKCupid because I a) secretly hate myself and because b) my fantasy of meeting someone without putting any effort in whatsoever is seeming less promising as of late. I started talking to this one guy who was a Bruce Springsteen fan (Yes!) He used our mutual affection for the boss as an ice breaker – smart move. I was excited to chat with someone who I might have something in common with until he revealed his lack of patience. I answered his first question only to check my inbox and see 8 more messages sent in a row – each another question. I get it, you’re inquisitive, you want to know more about me but give me a chance to answer! When I joked about his online interrogation (obviously I didn’t use that word) he said, simply, that I was taking too long to answer. Oh, I’m sorry! I’m sorry that I have a JOB and can’t sit on OKCupid all day long to answer your questions the SECOND they pop into my inbox. Also if I am taking a long time to answer why are you sending me MORE questions? Wouldn’t that mean that, logically, I would take even LONGER to answer because your messages are clogging up my inbox creating a never ending stream of messages that I must answer one by one? Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal but I admit to having some anger issues so long story short, I was annoyed.

Now take for instance this lovely gentleman. This man thought I was the bees knees and was very open about telling me about it. Call me crazy but if a dude goes out of his way to tell you you’re pretty (even if he’s lying) I think that’s pretty sweet. What’s not sweet is them getting angry at you when you refuse to call them RIGHT THAT SECOND or respond to their questions right that second. This guy got a little mad.

Why do I feel like he’s yelling at me?!

Now call me crazy but this doesn’t seem like the best approach now does it? I get it, you want instant gratification but if you do want to get to know me (which I genuinely suspect you do not) then wouldn’t you want to.. I don’t know… take it down a few notches? We’re all a little crazy in our own ways. We want things when and how we want them but the only way we ever hope to avoid living alone with 40 cats is to be aware that our needs cannot be met instantaneously. So gentlemen (and ladies) if you’re fishing for a new boo you’ve got to give it time. And give them time. Otherwise you look nuts. And a little mean.

Danny Castellano From The Mindy Project is My Ideal Man. Here’s Why.

After being pressured by what seemed like everyone I’ve ever known, I started watching The Mindy Project. I wasn’t actively avoiding the show but my newfound obsession with Netflix has left me a little out of sorts when it comes to real-time episodic TV. I always forget when shows are on, or what channel so I just give up and binge watch other shows that have already been on for 5 seasons AND I HAVE TO CATCH UP LIKE NOW, OK?! I’d seen the pilot episode of The Mindy Project but soon after fell into a deep obsession with Breaking Bad and basically removed myself from my own life so I could finish it. Luckily for me, my BFF Valeria is always looking out for me so when she gently nudged me watch it again, I obliged.

Before we go on I should mention that, for about 10 years, I have had a crush on Chris Messina. Ever since he played Ted on Six Feet Under (which now looking back I was probably too young to watch) I have been swooning over him. He’s one of those actors that seems to be in EVERYTHING but isn’t famous enough to be plastered all over Us Weekly – which I love. For me, Chris Messina and Mindy’s adorable nature (and killer wardrobe) were big draws so I started watching online. Now that I have several episodes under my belt, naturally, I’m into the whole Mindy/Danny “are they or aren’t they?” story line. Why? Because the studly New Yorker with a bad attitude, otherwise known as Danny Castellano, is my perfect man. He has all the elements that make for my ultimate ideal life partner. They are listed below:

He loves Bruce Springsteen.
Why is this important? Well… if you’re even questioning why this is important I already know that you have the emotional depth of a potted plant so feel free to see yourself out! If you’re familiar with Springsteen’s music you know how poetic and emotional it truly is. A lot of folks (and I’m talking to the young folks here) seem to have this image of a tight- jean-wearing Springsteen dancing with Courtney Cox seared into their memory and base their opinions of him and his music solely on that. I’ll admit those jeans and those dance moves maybe weren’t the best of times in the Springsteen universe but have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of ‘Dancing in the Dark’? That song is about pain, it’s about introspection, it’s about being fed up with what life has handed to you. That is what Springsteen is about. A man who loves music that is that poetically angst-y has to have the emotional intelligence to understand all of the feelings being expressed in those songs; they have to understand what it’s like to struggle, to question themselves, to care and to feel pain so deeply that they want to “take a knife and rip this pain from [their] heart” (see: Promised Land from Darkness on the Edge of Town). And we know that Danny understands pain – he was abandoned by his father and practically raised his little brother. Which leads me to reason #2.

He’s a family man
Though Mr. Castellano’s sharp judgments and even sharper tongue might have you peg him as a loner, but there is a warm heart that beats underneath that icy shell of a man as proven by his role as loving and accepting older brother. As I mentioned in the Danny Castellano Canon of The Mindy Project, his father ditched when he was a kid, leaving his mother to work multiple jobs and Danny to raise his younger brother, Richie. Soon after meeting him, we find out that Richie is gay, and perhaps because Danny seems, at times, a little overly “macho” the other characters believe that a) he doesn’t know and that b) he would be shocked and/or disappointed by the revelation – and that’s where they’d be wrong. Danny is macho but he’s secure enough in his macho-ness to love and support his brother for who he is. Which, in a word, is awesome.

He can dance.
I cannot express how much I LOVE that this dude can dance. I don’t consider myself a good dance but nevertheless I love to break it down from time to time and when I do, I am constantly shocked and saddened by the lack of men on the dance floor. Yes, you’re men and yes, you’re allowed to dance! This is why I love Bollywood – I love watching men dance! American men do not break it down nearly enough for my personal liking but lucky for us, Danny Castellano is not afraid to show off his moves after studying an Aaliyah video on YouTube for what I can only assume were countless hours. He quite literally gave someone the gift of dance! Bravo, Danny! Show ‘em how it’s done.

He’s a Doctor.
I just put this one down for my mom. Because if I can’t marry a Jewish doctor, any doctor will do – even if it’s a doctor for lady parts. I was going to make a joke here but I’ll just quit while I’m ahead. Use your imagination.

He wears baseball shirts.
Ok this one is kind of stupid, but I have a thing for baseball shirts. Maybe it’s because it reminds me of some olden time in America when girls were girls and men were men… wait, that’s the theme song to All in the Family… but you get what I’m saying.  Baseball shirts are a solid throwback piece that don’t feel hipster-y or try-hard. And they’re playful; they gives off a kind of boyish charm – even when you’re wearing one at 38.  And when fitted well you can see some nice chest action. But perhaps the most important reason I love baseball shirt is that they remind me of Benny “The Jet” Rodriquez from the Sandlot  who, if you remember clearly, was a total babe. Basically this is all to say: carry on, Danny! I like your style.

He’s a man, not a bro.
What exactly do I mean by this? Well from what I’ve gathered, he is a man who is firmly planted in his masculinity. He seems like the kind of guy who protects his lady (a la the whole “stay in the car!” scenario from last week’s episode) but isn’t possessive of his lady – you feel me? He wouldn’t be texting you every five minutes asking “where are you?” because he’s not an insecure little boy pretending to be a man. He is a man who knows that his lady (in this scenario, me!) is only ever at 1 of 4 places: work, Sephora, CVS and my house! Plus Danny’s judgmental nature makes me wonder if he thinks texting is stupid. He probably does. Oh, and another thing, he appreciates women for being women! Ok so you have a little back fat and your boobs aren’t exactly symmetrical- he’s cool with it! In the words of Dr. Castellano “you’re a woman, look like a woman.”

Underneath that scowl, he’s a good guy.
He’s not a bad dude – he’s just from New York! We’re all a bit prickly. You would be too if you ever had to try and get on an express train from Times Square during rush hour.  But Danny, just like the perfect New York bagel, is tough on the outside but all warm and fluffy inside. Sure, he might have threatened to punch someone in the face more than a few times but he’s also not afraid to tell you when he needs emotional support – or a ride because he got lost in the desert. He’s snarky but he’s also sincere, and when the time is right he’ll make his feelings known. PLUS HE LOOKS JUST LIKE CHRIS MESSINA.

So there you have it, Danny Castellano is my perfect man. Now if I could just find someone like him that isn’t a fictional character I would be golden!

Tips For Online Dating: Don’t Overshare

The best part about online dating (and real life dating as well) is the hilarity and reactions that ensue when you share a particularly juicy message with your friends.   Juicy doesn’t always have to mean swoon-worthy, I’ll have you know. In fact, very rarely will a online message that elicits an actual response be shared among friends.  Most ladies I know like to play it close to the chest when it comes to that.  We don’t like to overshare about important things.

Men, on the other hand are all about the overshare.

Tips for Online Dating: A Series

Well, ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies) we’ve reached a sad point in history when online dating is the number one source for connecting with another human being. That’s right, we have become so paranoid and so wrapped up in our online personas that we no longer truly believe in meeting someone in a natural setting. Sure, we say we do but when was the last time you actually engaged  in  a conversation with a perfect stranger? Well, I’m from New York so I was basically born suspicious of everything and everyone so naturally, anyone speaking to me that I deem a stranger is completely terrifying. When approached by a gentleman in a bar I always think a) WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?! and b) are you a serial killer? While I generally find the act of engaging with strangers dubious at best, I also don’t want to be a cat lady. So what’s the solution? Online dating! Not just for losers anymore, it’s for everyone.

I haven’t had much luck with my “prospects” mainly because dudes either a) have no game b) have way too much game or c) want to see pictures of my feet. Oddly enough it’s b that bothers me the most, but I digress. So how does one maneuver the dangers and potential pitfalls of online dating? Well, I don’t really know but let’s learn together, shall we?

Tip #1: Be polite!

Always be polite. No, not because you legitimately want to be nice but because you should ALWAYS be paranoid! Yes, I said it, be paranoid! Are you already paranoid? Be more paranoid than that! Now that everyone is facebooking and snapchatting their lives away, they want to put you on blast on social media, too! If you say something rude or crazy or ridiculous you can just about bet that that person is gonna put you on their instagram or some other platform (which is exactly what I’m about to do now.) Take for instance, this fine specimen below. He is blatantly asking me if I want to have sex with him. The answer is no, but I said “no thanks!” just in case he decided to make our interaction public with his “boyz,” at the very least he can say I wasn’t down, but I was nice about it!

I would also like to point out that we are a 10% match. So that pretty much sums it up. Happy dating, friends! Stay safe (and paranoid) our there.

MORE Evidence that Chris Hemsworth is the Ideal Mate for the Modern Cave Woman

His wife is pregnant with baby #2! Congratulations are in order for this insanely attractive couple and by “congratulations” I mean “be happy for them and simultaneously feel hideously jealous while hating your own life” – this may or may not involve more ice cream. And may I please remind you of  what I said about him being able to propagate the species? Oh that’s right, I said he could! And he is, as proof of his soon-t0-be second offspring. Not only is he putting more people on this planet, he’s putting people with God-like genetics on this planet.  Can’t say that’s a terrible legacy to leave behind.

Can I also just say, as a woman, I respect his wife because this lady is doing it RIGHT! If I were married to Chris Hemsworth I would be pregnant all the damn time. Good work, you two! Mazel!

I Have Been Genetically Programmed to Be Attracted to Chris Hemsworth

Anyone who knows me knows that I basically have a crush on every boy. More specifically, I love every boy that has glasses, or speaks multiple languages or is just generally adorable in a swoon-worthy-nerd way (think Andrew Garfield). Normally, I like guys that are a little off beat/charming in their own way but are by no means desirable to the general population (with the exception of the US Men’s Olympic Swim Team). I’ve always liked the weirdoes who sit in the back of the class, or cutie behind the concession stand at the movie theater nobody goes to – and this works for me. It means less competition from other ladies and I get the satisfaction of feeling like I’m somewhat less shallow than your average bear. Recently, however, I have become completely infatuated with a specimen that is the polar opposite of everything I have come to love. You might know him by the name Chris Hemsworth. Yes, that’s right. I’m in love with Thor.

I have always loved Super Hero movies but a few years ago when Thor came out I had absolutely 0 desire to see it because a) who the fuck is Thor? And b) whoever this “Thor” person was being played by the whitest, beefiest, blondest dude I have ever seen – totally not my style. Of course I had friends who loved him and saw him on TV but I never really noticed, I was too busy fangirling over scrawny actors who cry a lot in their movies – I love man tears! Now fast forward 2 years to the release of The Avengers. Again, Thor wasn’t my style (I was more into Bruce Banner. Helloooooo Mark Ruffalo) but I distinctly remember thinking “Chris Hemsworth… I get it.” I understood why women loved him, I just didn’t happen to be one of those women… yet. Now fast forward again to the release of the film Rush – specifically the trailer for Rush. More specifically the end of the trailer for Rush when a smiling Chris Hemsworth walks backwards in slow motion. Utterly delightful. Now even after this moment of realizing that a slow-motion-smiling Christ Hemsworth was quite a sight to see, I was still more interested in seeing Rush for Daniel Bruhl (see above mentioned comments about multilingual hotties). I had seen him many years ago in Good Bye Lenin! and subsequently developed a crush on him.  After seeing Rush, two things happened: 1) I felt disappointed that the movie wasn’t very good (in my humble opinion) and 2) I had now realized my love for Daniel Bruhl. Yes this German born international actor, fluent in 5 languages, had stolen my heart. So I did what any normal fangirl, I dove into a YouTube rabbit hole to feast on all of the interviews, clips and bloopers I could possibly find. Unfortunately, Daniel isn’t terribly famous in the US so almost all of his interviews for Rush were with Chris Hemsworth, the more notable star. Now where this all leads us to is a dream that I had. After watching many interviews of this pair, they must have soaked into my brain because I had a dream (details of which will be discussed in another post) in which Chris Hemsworth made an appearance. For whatever reason by mind has bypassed my heart and the other guy showed up in my dream as opposed to the target of my affection. How unfortunate.

Nerdy girl dream boat!

Now for whatever reason, inexplicable as it may be, I have since become obsessed with Chris Hemsworth. This was a real life Inception! A seed was planted in my dream and I couldn’t shake it. Why was this happening now? He’s so blond! He’s so… perfect. So not what the nerdy, intellectual side of my brain would ever want. And that’s when it hit me. It’s not the intellectual nerdy side of my brain that is attracted to him, it’s not my brain at all. It is the very fabric of my DNA as a woman that makes me love Chris Hemsworth. This seed wasn’t planted in my dream, it was planted by my ancestors that roamed the earth in search of shelter, food and a partner to propagate the species with. Someone that could hunt for you, protect you and put a baby in you. It is for these reasons that women are complete slaves to the attractiveness of Chris Hemsworth – he is a modern day cave man and we are nothing more than cave women with better posture and hopefully less body hair.

Now calling him a cave man is nothing against Chris Hemsworth – he seems like a lovely, intelligent person – I am simply focusing on his physical attractiveness as it relates to my cave woman survival instincts. If we’re speaking along the lines of Evolutionary Psychology I can only suppose that  someone well versed in the subject (which I admittedly am not) would argue that when our Caveman predecessors lived in the The Environment of Evolutionary Adaptedness (EEA) there were many threats to survival. Namely, scary ass beasts that could probably tear your face off at any moment. Thor looks like the kind of dude who could take down a saber tooth tiger if it came down to it – and I like that! While I normally find large, muscular men to be intimidating, there is something about his sheer size as a human being that I find attractive. While I may not have to worry about being stomped on by a woolly mammoth on my way home, there is always the threat of the occasional aggressive drunk at the local bar and being with a big dude just might make me feel a bit safer in such a situation. Yes, things have changed quite a bit since we discovered fire – I mean, Segways are a thing now – but we still aim to meet our basic human needs and desires and look for people who can help us do that. Chris Hemsworth looks like he could do that and a lot more. Have you seen the way he held his baby daughter in his hand like a softball?!

I feel safer already!

Am I starting to make sense here? Sure, some folks think evolutionary psychology is a bunch of bullshit science created to keep us firmly planted in our socialized gender roles but I do think there is some validity to it and if there is, I don’t think I’m far off with my assessment of just exactly why women love Chris Hemsworth. Beyond his good looks, which are rather obvious, there are underlying reason why we find this type of person so appealing. Sure, it’s a great pleasure to look at them but this kind of physical perfection, deep down, equates to something much more meaningful – safety and survival. If this is true, which I believe it is, then me loving Chris Hemsworth is no more unnatural than my fear of birds (they’re scary ok?!) because it’s all about protecting yourself from potential harm. Cave woman instinct: avoid flying predators. Find mate. Don’t die.

So what does it all mean? I suppose what I’m getting at is, in actuality, humans are just animals with clothes and large toys. As much as I do find the strange and unique quite attractive, when it comes down to it if I were lost in the wilderness  I am more likely to feel more comfortable being lost with this guy than Andrew Garfield (still love you, boo!). So yes, I feel shallow for falling victim to Chris Hemsworth’s Australian charm and bulging biceps but if we’ve learned anything from this it’s that resistance is futile. To love Chris Hemsworth is just in my nature.

 

Good Cuddles Are Greater Than A Hot Make-Out Session

Hugs are the superior act of affection.

Most would not agree with me, but as a self-identified hugger, I’d take a great, soul-warming hug over a toe-tingling kiss any day.

You can tell so much about a person based on their hugging style — are they a back-patter or a back-rubber? Do they squeeze you around your neck or around your waist? Are they hug-sluts? Or are hugs reserved for just a select-few?

I present to you, dear reader, the reasons why hugs are superior to any type of kiss.

Daddy Issues? Brainy-Types and My Sex List Checklist

I never thought that I had a “type.”  When recounting my gentleman lovers, I never thought they shared any particular physical attributes, clothing and music choices, even interests. But I’ve been lying to myself all these years. With the exception of a few outliers, my type is decidedly anyone of perceived higher academic intellectual ability than myself. You know, Brainy-types.