“What Did They Do To Captain America?!” And What Your Hair Says About You

I love me some super heroes. Specifically, I love super hero movies. Hot dudes in tight costumes, what’s not to love? Hollywood has, for the most part, done an incredible job of casting some very studly actors to portray these hunky heroes (excluding Ben Affleck’s short stint at Dare Devil. We’ll just forget that ever happened). Generally, these films have allowed for some action packed summer fun and blockbuster caliber eyecandy. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine? More of that, please! Chris Hemsworth as the mighty Thor? MORE OF THAT, PLEASE! Michael Fassbender as Magneto? OH YEAH! Ok so Magneto was technically a bad guy but when he’s using his mutation to kill Nazis, you really can’t hate on the guy. Anyway, this all brings me to another successful comic book casting: Chris Evans as Captain America. Not only is he delightfully buff but as Steve Rogers AKA Captain America, the super soldier, he has a heart of gold and old fashioned manners that melt your heart (and your loins.) I love my boo Thor but if I had to choose one hero that edges out the other hunks as the target of my affection, it would have to be Captain America. You just can’t resist the charm of a man who will pull out a chair for you, kiss you on the hand or jump on a grenade to save you – if it ever came down to that.

What a flipping dreamboat

While I didn’t love the first movie (I just couldn’t get in board with the whole devil faced Nazis thing), I fully enjoyed the sausage fest known as the Avengers (sorry, Scarlett. I wasn’t looking at you but thanks for representing for the ladies). With new found love for Captain America, I was excited for the sequel “Captain Ameria” Winter Soldier.” Until my BFF Valeria shared the I saw the trailer. Something was different… he looks different.  His hair. What…WHAT DID THEY DO TO HIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR? Part of Captain America’s charm in The Avengers was that, as soldier from WWII now transplanted to present day, his fish out of water antics were tooth achingly sweet. He was a walking time capsule full of amusing old-timey catch phrases, mannerisms and clean cut style – and it was freakin’ adorable, people! Apparently the folks over at Marvel felt it was time for a change and voila – Captain America has 1990s boy band hair complete with Lance Bass frosted tips. For the love of all that is good and pure WHY?!

THIS IS NOT OK AND IT WILL NEVER BE OK, OK?!

By this time you might be thinking “Whoa, it’s just a haircut” and that, my dear reader, is where you’d be WRONG! A haircut, much like one’s choice of clothing, communicates something to the world. Think about women’s haircuts and you’ll know exactly what I mean. Long, middle parted wavy locks tell me that you’re probably pretty trendy while a super short cut tells me you’re edgy. Your hair says something about you before you ever open your mouth and it’s one of the first things people notice about you – I mean, they don’t make a million different shampoos for nothing. Men’s haircuts are just as communicative. Let’s run through some examples, shall we?

The Hipster Fade. Also known as “long on the top, short on the sides.” Similar to the Captain America but with the volume turned to 11. Famously worn by such musical men as Justin Timberlake, Brandon Flowers and Harry McVeigh of White Lies. What this haircut tells me about these men, beyond anything else, is that none of them have real jobs. And I don’t mean that as an insult. What I mean is, just like a prominently featured face tattoo, an extreme haircut is a life decision. And part of that decision is never having to sit behind a desk or adhere to a dress code. This haircut, however, can be modified to a more subtle shape making for a very trendy style to be rocked by a gainfully employed gentleman.

The Pompadour. Famously worn by men throughout history and more recently by Bruno Mars circa 2011. What I can conclude about a gentleman rocking hair of this height is that he is either a) a great appreciator of all things vintage or b) hiding something. Haven’t you ever seen mean girls? Big hair = secrets. And if we believe that this is true, Adele is one step below God in terms of the all-knowingness. Let’s be real, a pompadour is the kind of haircut that sends a message to the world. It says that you care about how you look and are putting a concerted amount of effort into presenting an image to those who gave upon you. Can’t hate on that but I would feel a tad weird dating someone with this hairstyle considering my affinity for wearing a snuggie (and not in an ironic way).

This thing. Harry Styles’ famous unkempt ‘do is the quintessential “long hair, don’t care” look. And why should he? Harry Styles is one of the richest, most famous people on the planet and even with his insane bird’s nest of a head, he still has women (yes women) all over the world throwing themselves at him. Do you, boo. Do you. But maybe quit it with the terrible tattoos. I have a feeling you’ll regret those.

Whatever Robin Thicke’s hair is. Whatever Robin Thicke’s hair is communicates to me that this man owns a lot of styling products. Gravity ain’t just a movie with Sandra Bullock, ok? It’s the reason why your hair falls flat even after using your grandmother’s hot rollers. To rock this up-do of sorts one would need to have, at the very least, a blow dryer, styling brush, hairspray, gel and/or wax and a whole lot of patience.  Hey, I’m not hating! His hair is working for him but you have to gotta put in some real time to get that kind of volume!

Thor’s half up/half down flowing locks. What this haircut (or lack thereof) communicates is “I’m the God of thunder. Duh.”  Do you think Thor is going to give a care about what you think of his flowing mane? NO! Because he’s too busy romancing Natalie Portman and saving the universe from imminent destruction while dealing with some very complex familial issues. Boo doesn’t have time to pop into supercuts on his day off ok?! “Why?” you ask?  because he doesn’t get a day off – evil never sleeps! Also Chris Hemworth can pretty much do whatever he wants at this point so… Side note: I think this hairstyle is a vast improvement from his over-bleached awkward middle length hair from the first film.

So to sum it up – yes, hair communicates. And yes I will be seeing Captain America: Winter Soldier if only so I can have a place to buy salty popcorn and eat my feelings as I cry over the loss of Captain Rogers’ beautiful locks. (This is funny because you think I’m kidding). Ok so hair isn’t the most important thing in the world but what’s the point of having a blog with your best friend if you can’t write something as a thinly veiled attempt to talk about super heroes? Exactly.