Our Vaginas, Ourselves, (Also, Insecurity)

10 Feb

Don’t call it a Pussy.

That is unless it’s getting hot and heavy, and you’re into the dirty talk and for some reason the word conjures up images of naked ladies, as opposed to a furry feline.

When was the first time you heard the word “Vagina?”  For me it was during the gender-separated sex ed classes in the fifth grade.  All the girls giggled, thinking that “Vagina” sounded remarkably hilarious.  There-in after, it was deemed that “Vagina” just sounded too violent and clinical, and henceforth would be known by every other name, except for it’s real one.

Well, there is one furry pussy that has taken issue with the fear behind the utterance of the word “Vagina.”  Carlton, a “Renaissance cat” with a butler, became appalled by the population’s fear of the proper term, “I  found myself choking on a hair ball whenever I heard the word ‘vagina’ maligned, mocked, or misused.  For the vagina is an organ of profound awesome power and greatness! It thus became my immediate charge to restore the word to its proper place on a linguistic pedestal.  And thus began my movement to place it about all other words.”  Carlton is a very passionate pussy.

His movement is That’s Vaginal.  Carlton believes that by changing the way we use the word “Vagina” we can change the way we see them.  So, his idea is to name anything amazing, “Vaginal.” You got a sweet deal on Groupon? Vaginal.  New Job?  Effing Vaginal.  Rick Santorum?  Decidedly not Vaginal.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure how well Carlton’s mission to eradicate Vagina shame is going.  As of publication, That’s Vaginal has less than 20 pages of blog entries – the majority of them having nothing to do with Vaginas (except for this awesome one of an art exhibit), or anything “Vaginal” — outside of Carlton’s lavish lifestyle obvis. Carlton can’t seem to generate enough excitement about the word / imagery of Vaginas anymore than the countless perfectly pink and manicured ones splattered all over magazines and James Deen’s tweets can.

But Carlton remains optimistic.

He has ventured to find out if the winning combination of Internet + Videos + Cats could be the missing link in getting people onto  the Vagina Train (kind of just as awesome as The Love Train, if you ask me … maybe even The Peace Train).  Unfortunately, cute little pussies with bow-ties aren’t doing enough for the Pro-Vagina grassroots movement on the Internet. Partnering up with Summer’s Eve just further pushes forth the message for curious teenagers (and really women and dudes of any age) that Vaginas need to be cleaned up.

Carlton insists that Summers Eve, is just giving their friendly support — he’s manning the ship solo.  Which is good news, since the Summers Eve ads that came out in recent memory were just slightly offensive in their racial stereotypes.  At least now they’re all about the less offensive, “Hail To The V.”
Here’s how to keep your Vagina smelling like a Vagina (ie., clean and not like flowers — unless you are a fairy, and that is your natural state of being).  Wear cotton underwear (or at least cotton lining) as often as possible, go to sleep sans underwear, shower regularly, in the shower, wash your body, don’t shove a bar of soap up your HooHaa.  Clean your pipes every so often.  If you use sex toys, clean them after use to avoid any bad bacteria.  Go see your Gyno on a regular basis.  Ask your Gyno what to do to keep it clean.  Really, it’s common sense.  Common sense helps your vertical smile avoid being referred to as a “fish taco.”

A phrase that makes Carlton shudder.

That phrase (and other similar insulting euphemisms) needs to die out.  Unlike other pet names that we have for female genitals, “fish taco”, “bearded clam,” “camel’s foot,” “open wound,” “soggy box,” “tampon tunnel,” and so on, make the Vagina sound like a really gross thing.  In this case, harmful language can lead to harmful imagery of what Vagina’s are supposed to look like.  And that is at the core of Carlton’s crusade, “My dear it is all about linguistics — by dropping the euphemisms for the vagina, and actually using the correct terminology — we can start a revolution.  Language is power and a single word or phrase has the ability to make a major impact.  And so it is with “That’s Vaginal” that we will work to change the perception of the female genitalia from one of shame, to one of celebration and pride.”

As a fellow former adolescent girl, who experienced the pitfalls of the Vag Body Dysmorphia that accompanies puberty, I say “Two for You, Carlton Coco!”  You see, I used to be a hard-core swimmer.  This meant that from the ages of 7 to 13 I would spend a great majority of my free time in a wet bathing suit.  The hours that I logged in the pool not only gave me dry skin and pruny fingers, but also a propensity to develop Yeast Infections — long before I ever hit puberty.  During Sex Ed in the fifth grade, I’d hear whispers and giggles both from girls and boys about stinky Vaginas and terms like “soggy box” and “fish taco.”  So when my homeroom teacher, basically announced to a room of 11 year-olds that I been riding the Crimson Wave, I was mortified, distraught, and convinced that my Vagina was some evil step-sister-like monster hell-bent on ruining my life.  Everywhere I went, I was certain that someone would pick up on any and all smells emanating from my Vag.

I was wholly unaware that other girls thought the same things about themselves.  My delusions grew and grew, until they become so inflated I feared my Vagina almost as much as my Chuckie-like Cabbage Patch Doll.  My pediatrician later assured me that my Vagina was perfectly normal, and there there were no abnormal smells emanating from anywhere on my body — unless that smell was chlorine.
Carlton and his people, shouldn’t be trying to appeal to people looking for videos of silly cats and Vaginas (hopefully not both in the same search), but rather girls just discovering masturbation, or moms looking for information on how to talk about their bodies with their kids, also possibly tween Swimmers.
I also call for the eradication of Barbie Dolls.  Not that I didn’t love my Barbie Doll, because I was totally obsessed with her, and I used to make my Ken and Barbie dry-hump each other long before I even knew what the sweet, sweet flavor of a jolly rancher passed between a boys mouth to mine tasted / felt like.  But, Barbie and Ken couldn’t dry-hump as efficiently as us humans can, for the fact that they are asexual — they have no genitals, and Ken is totally a Never-Nude.  Now, I know it may be hard to follow my logic here, but I’m thinking that Barbie’s perfectly flat, and non-revealing genitals are totally the reason why we all think that Vaginas (actually, the Vulva — which is the part that is visible to the outside world, and the Vagina is the place where Phallus’ find happy homes) are supposed to look the same.

Riddle me this:  For a generation so identified by our Hipsterdom, and our need to be different from the rest, why do we still feel a bit of shame over the different looks of our Vaginas?  Isn’t the non-conformist-conformist-hipster thing to do is totally embrace different looking Genitals?   Yet, people are scrambling to willingly get some Genital mutilation (link NSFW) done in order to have a perfect set of lips.  Just recently, this dude got an award for his “ground-breaking seminal work” to fix Vaginas from “labia abnormalities” due to “trauma, aging, or childbirth, with tremendous results” (!!).  Let me say, that there is nothing with getting surgery on your genitals in order to reverse a botched surgery, or terrible torture and trauma from traumatizing sexual experiences.  But, just like how our skin will sag the older we get, and we’ll start to look different, and you’ll get white hairs, that the same thing will start to happen to our genitals.  There is about as much need for Vaginal Rejuvination, as there is for Penis Enlargement.

It seems that Carlton rolls with the mode of thought that if you’ve grown comfortable enough to say “Vagina’ without expecting giggles to follow, then you should be comfortable enough to deal with IRL Vags. “In order to live by “That’s Vaginal”,’ Carlton begins, “we need to first respect the vagina — don’t mock it or call it by nicknames — respect it for its sheer awesomeness.”

So lets just lay it all out on the table — whatever every Vagina you encounter is normal and Vaginal.  Let’s make peace with the non-conformist look of our genitals.  Instead of focusing what’s wrong with them, lets focus on making them smile.  There’s a time and place for praise.  And that time and place should be when we’re engaging in cunnilingus.

By the way, cunnilingus — totally Vaginal.

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