I Have Been Genetically Programmed to Be Attracted to Chris Hemsworth

20 Oct

Anyone who knows me knows that I basically have a crush on every boy. More specifically, I love every boy that has glasses, or speaks multiple languages or is just generally adorable in a swoon-worthy-nerd way (think Andrew Garfield). Normally, I like guys that are a little off beat/charming in their own way but are by no means desirable to the general population (with the exception of the US Men’s Olympic Swim Team). I’ve always liked the weirdoes who sit in the back of the class, or cutie behind the concession stand at the movie theater nobody goes to – and this works for me. It means less competition from other ladies and I get the satisfaction of feeling like I’m somewhat less shallow than your average bear. Recently, however, I have become completely infatuated with a specimen that is the polar opposite of everything I have come to love. You might know him by the name Chris Hemsworth. Yes, that’s right. I’m in love with Thor.

I have always loved Super Hero movies but a few years ago when Thor came out I had absolutely 0 desire to see it because a) who the fuck is Thor? And b) whoever this “Thor” person was being played by the whitest, beefiest, blondest dude I have ever seen – totally not my style. Of course I had friends who loved him and saw him on TV but I never really noticed, I was too busy fangirling over scrawny actors who cry a lot in their movies – I love man tears! Now fast forward 2 years to the release of The Avengers. Again, Thor wasn’t my style (I was more into Bruce Banner. Helloooooo Mark Ruffalo) but I distinctly remember thinking “Chris Hemsworth… I get it.” I understood why women loved him, I just didn’t happen to be one of those women… yet. Now fast forward again to the release of the film Rush – specifically the trailer for Rush. More specifically the end of the trailer for Rush when a smiling Chris Hemsworth walks backwards in slow motion. Utterly delightful. Now even after this moment of realizing that a slow-motion-smiling Christ Hemsworth was quite a sight to see, I was still more interested in seeing Rush for Daniel Bruhl (see above mentioned comments about multilingual hotties). I had seen him many years ago in Good Bye Lenin! and subsequently developed a crush on him.  After seeing Rush, two things happened: 1) I felt disappointed that the movie wasn’t very good (in my humble opinion) and 2) I had now realized my love for Daniel Bruhl. Yes this German born international actor, fluent in 5 languages, had stolen my heart. So I did what any normal fangirl, I dove into a YouTube rabbit hole to feast on all of the interviews, clips and bloopers I could possibly find. Unfortunately, Daniel isn’t terribly famous in the US so almost all of his interviews for Rush were with Chris Hemsworth, the more notable star. Now where this all leads us to is a dream that I had. After watching many interviews of this pair, they must have soaked into my brain because I had a dream (details of which will be discussed in another post) in which Chris Hemsworth made an appearance. For whatever reason by mind has bypassed my heart and the other guy showed up in my dream as opposed to the target of my affection. How unfortunate.

Nerdy girl dream boat!

Nerdy girl dream boat!

Now for whatever reason, inexplicable as it may be, I have since become obsessed with Chris Hemsworth. This was a real life Inception! A seed was planted in my dream and I couldn’t shake it. Why was this happening now? He’s so blond! He’s so… perfect. So not what the nerdy, intellectual side of my brain would ever want. And that’s when it hit me. It’s not the intellectual nerdy side of my brain that is attracted to him, it’s not my brain at all. It is the very fabric of my DNA as a woman that makes me love Chris Hemsworth. This seed wasn’t planted in my dream, it was planted by my ancestors that roamed the earth in search of shelter, food and a partner to propagate the species with. Someone that could hunt for you, protect you and put a baby in you. It is for these reasons that women are complete slaves to the attractiveness of Chris Hemsworth – he is a modern day cave man and we are nothing more than cave women with better posture and hopefully less body hair.

Now calling him a cave man is nothing against Chris Hemsworth – he seems like a lovely, intelligent person – I am simply focusing on his physical attractiveness as it relates to my cave woman survival instincts. If we’re speaking along the lines of Evolutionary Psychology I can only suppose that  someone well versed in the subject (which I admittedly am not) would argue that when our Caveman predecessors lived in the The Environment of Evolutionary Adaptedness (EEA) there were many threats to survival. Namely, scary ass beasts that could probably tear your face off at any moment. Thor looks like the kind of dude who could take down a saber tooth tiger if it came down to it – and I like that! While I normally find large, muscular men to be intimidating, there is something about his sheer size as a human being that I find attractive. While I may not have to worry about being stomped on by a woolly mammoth on my way home, there is always the threat of the occasional aggressive drunk at the local bar and being with a big dude just might make me feel a bit safer in such a situation. Yes, things have changed quite a bit since we discovered fire – I mean, Segways are a thing now – but we still aim to meet our basic human needs and desires and look for people who can help us do that. Chris Hemsworth looks like he could do that and a lot more. Have you seen the way he held his baby daughter in his hand like a softball?!

I feel safe!

I feel safer already!

Am I starting to make sense here? Sure, some folks think evolutionary psychology is a bunch of bullshit science created to keep us firmly planted in our socialized gender roles but I do think there is some validity to it and if there is, I don’t think I’m far off with my assessment of just exactly why women love Chris Hemsworth. Beyond his good looks, which are rather obvious, there are underlying reason why we find this type of person so appealing. Sure, it’s a great pleasure to look at them but this kind of physical perfection, deep down, equates to something much more meaningful – safety and survival. If this is true, which I believe it is, then me loving Chris Hemsworth is no more unnatural than my fear of birds (they’re scary ok?!) because it’s all about protecting yourself from potential harm. Cave woman instinct: avoid flying predators. Find mate. Don’t die.

So what does it all mean? I suppose what I’m getting at is, in actuality, humans are just animals with clothes and large toys. As much as I do find the strange and unique quite attractive, when it comes down to it if I were lost in the wilderness  I am more likely to feel more comfortable being lost with this guy than Andrew Garfield (still love you, boo!). So yes, I feel shallow for falling victim to Chris Hemsworth’s Australian charm and bulging biceps but if we’ve learned anything from this it’s that resistance is futile. To love Chris Hemsworth is just in my nature.

 

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