An Actually Realistic List of How You Know You’re Best Friends

25 Oct

I am obsessed with reading listicles on the internet.  I always get that feeling of “OMG YES, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT DID THAT — I’M NOT THE WIERDO I THOUGHT I ALWAYS WAS, BUT RATHER I’M A NORMAL HUMAN BEING!”

That feeling is very reassuring.  But, given that this is in fact, a blog with my best friend, I got all sorts of sads reading the other listicles of markers of Best-Friendship.  Suddenly feeling like a failure that Candace and I have never braided each other’s hair while topless in a walk-in closet or something like that.  Did this mean that Candace and I were in fact, not best friends?

Luckily, through the following 10 reasons/markers of Best Friendship… I’ve reassured myself, that Candace and I are best friends indeed … just probably not normal ones.

1)  You ask about the well-being of your best friends pet, even though, you in fact find animals really boring. (You care because they care!)

Candace cares about this little stink-bug!

Candace cares about this little stink-bug!

Candace is highly unimpressed by animals.  She’s the person that instead of blocking pictures of babies on her newsfeed, blocks all the links to the Panda-cam and to yawning puppies.  But when Candace and I facetime and I show her some insane thing my dog is doing, I show Candace what is happening, and she finds it equally as amusing as me, even though she’s whatever about animals.

2) When recieving a +1 for a wedding, you want to invite your best friend, as opposed to someone you’re dating (or whatever entails dating in the 21st Century)

When Candace and I get dolled up for a night out on the town, it’s a blast!  For starters, we are both total lightweights, which means we end up spending not a lot of money on alcohol, which makes it for a cheap night out.  Also, never fear with a best friend around when you’re at a party where people are not dancing (who are these people, and why do they exist?).  Your best friend is there to get crazy with!

3) You both agree that naturally the best place to have a 40 minute rendezvous during a layover is at a really nice looking McDonalds (this place has wifi and plays muzak!)

But seriously though, I’m never getting a Big Mac ever again — there was nothing Big about that Mac. IT’S ALL LIES.

4) You call to Facetime, and then spend the rest of the hour not actually paying attention to Facetime.

Candace is usually watching Dancing with the Stars, and I’m making dinner — so we are totally distracted anyways, but it doesn’t matter!

5) Your affection for Leo in Titanic 3D, while apparently comical to the rest of the world, is in fact incredibly sincere.  No Shame!

Some folks just don’t understand.

No Shame For 3D Leo!

No Shame For 3D Leo!

6) You will take your best friend shopping for a vibrator in the East Village at 2am after a really heavy make-out session with a tall, dark, and handsome man has her worked up into a tizzy, and you know EXACTLY what the correct products are to get the most bang for your buck (pun intended!)

7) Your best friend is the only person that understands the spiritual connection you feel with your favorite musical artist.

Case In Point: When Candace called me the day Michael Jackson died, she said “Michael Jackson dying for you, is what Bruce Springsteen dying would be like for me.”  And then our fates were sealed together.

8) Your best friend calls you up to tell you to stop whatever it is you’re doing, because “Jacksons: An American Dream” is on TV and you didn’t have plans for that Saturday anyways.

This amazing person decided to post up a clip that s/he recorded off of the TV — like a boss. Don’t tell me you’ve never seen this on VH1 when they run out of programming

9) Entire conversations are dedicated to the status of one’s eyebrows. Leading one to coin the phrase “eyebrow dismorphia.”


It begins

It begins

It continues

It continues

Still going strong

Still going strong

10) You and your best friend have a public blog together that basically is read by only the two of you and 5 other random people.


2 Responses to “An Actually Realistic List of How You Know You’re Best Friends”

  1. killacan October 25, 2013 at 9:09 pm #

    I think saying 5 other people read it is a stretch!

  2. JackTuxedoKat October 26, 2013 at 8:58 pm #

    I read it! Hooray for bff blogs!

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