Crying in Theaters Alone

10 Feb

Let me preface this with some advice. Don’t go to weddings alone. Seriously. No matter how much fun you think you’ll have, it will never be enough to distract you from how sad and lonely you will feel when you get up, ready to break it down only to realize that the dance floor is reserved for a couples-only song and you have no other choice than to sit your single ass down. Believe me, there aren’t enough cocktail weenies in the world to fill up the achingly long 4 minutes it takes for the DJ to run through “Lady in Red.” Anyway, let’s begin at the beginning, shall we?

Last weekend my sister got married to her High School Sweetheart. I’m capitalizing that because in this world of online stalkers and Craigslist killers, I liken this kind of relationship to a mythical creature like a Unicorn or Centaur. I think it needs special emphasis. Anyway, they’d been together for 11 years, yes you read that right. Needless to say the wedding was emotional for everyone. She and I are extremely close so to make a long story short, I cried for 6 days. While the wedding itself was a lovely, joyous occasion, weddings are just a fancy, food filled way of telling us single people that while our friends and loved ones are living happy, fulfilled lives, we, on the other hand, are not. Please excuse my exaggeration, my life isn’t that terrible but being at a wedding with tons of couples did serve as a not-so-friendly reminder that I’m still single.

Before I cried all my makeup off

After that weekend I sank into a strange post-wedding depression where I found everything sad/annoying. I don’t get to go on a honeymoon. What the fuck? New York is suddenly cold in the middle of winter. What the fuck? CVS is sold out of the lip balm I want to try. Seriously, what the fuck? As if things weren’t bad enough the cherry on top of my sadness sundae was the fact that it just happened to be that time of the month. If you’re like me, you get all kinds of crazy when you have your period. Aside from the annoying physical stuff, like the feeling of being stabbed in the abdomen every waking minute, you also develop superpowers, like the ability to smell chocolate from a mile away. Also, you become incredibly sensitive and cry about everything which is both annoying for you and everyone you come into contact with. Which leads us to crying in theaters alone.

At this point in the story we’ve learned that Candace is sad and alone. To be honest, most of the time I don’t really mind being alone. I have Mondays off and generally enjoy the day running errands and taking myself places. This past Monday I decided to take myself to see The Artist. Side note: when I go to the movies alone I always say that I “took myself” so it sounds less depressing. Back to the story. So I “took myself” to see The Artist, partially because I wanted to see it and partially because I wanted to see it, hate it and then make fun of everyone else who had been drooling over it the last 3 months. In any case, just the act of going out and having something to do cheered me up a bit. It turned out that the movie was showing in a beautiful old fashioned theater, perfect for the theme and I felt content with the choice I had made to have a little Me time. I felt great – until the movie actually started. Nobody warned me that this movie was so romantic, so tooth achingly sweet that someone as emotionally fragile as myself should steer clear until hormone levels have returned to normal. In a pivotal scene (which I shall not reveal for those who have not yet scene the film) I did what I can only describe as bursting into tears. That’s right folks, I sat alone in a dark theater with a medium diet coke at my side and wept. Watching these two charming French people fall in love was just too much to take. They were in love and I wasn’t! Maybe I used to be and wasn’t anymore, maybe I still was in some way. I didn’t know and it didn’t really matter – I was sad and now wanted candy.

Kidding but not kidding

It’s been a few days now and my emotional outburst in the theater has become sort of a funny story at work. Even though I’ve told a few friends about it, I still don’t really know why I was crying. Maybe I was touched by the film, maybe I was thinking about something personal, maybe I just really wanted candy. In any case, it made me realize that sometimes you just need to cry it out, and a dark, empty theater is as good a place as any to do it – especially in New York. Believe me, you do not want to be that girl crying on the M15 Select Service Bus. I’ve been that girl, it’s not pretty.

P.S. While this has nothing to do with my sister but I know she would feel bad if she knew her wedding, in any way, made me feel bad. So if you ever run into a thinner, prettier version of me walking around with a very handsome man that I hope is her husband – you never read this!

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2 Responses to “Crying in Theaters Alone”

  1. Linnette February 14, 2012 at 12:12 am #

    Oh man. I feel you. Next time watch an action movie. The adrenaline overrides the waterworks (I saw Safe House. It made my weekend). Take care and for what its worth I think your beautiful 🙂

    • killacan February 25, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

      Thanks for the advice, seeing a romantic movie was probably not my best move. Thanks for reading!

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