Internet I Need Your Advice: I Apparently Am Date-Tarded.

7 Feb

Since, I am absolutely terrible at meeting people (read: men) in person, like every single person I talk to, I in fact do have an OkCupid profile — I bet you could find me really easily, like if you really tried and/or wanted to.  But the reason I bring this up, is because, irregardless of what people tell you — meeting people online is even worse, and definitely more nerve-racking than meeting people offline.

Let me tell you why.

I had deactivated my profile shortly after Thanksgiving, since I had grown jaded and cynical.  A few attempts to date older guys had disproved my theory that they would be nicer and more open with what exactly their intentions were. Unicorns are few and far between.  I imagined a future where I would become the lady in her 40s at the dog park wearing mom jeans, with a tall mug of coffee, dark sunglasses, and 4 pure breed dogs, each with a name beginning with “M.”  (Clearly, I have elaborate details to accompany made-up lives)

For some reason, completely  unclear to me now, I reactivated it roughly 2 weeks ago to little fanfare.  Some tweaks to my profiles resulted in visits from a few unfortunate-looking men in their late 40s.  So, one late night, unable to sleep, I took to trolling Quickmatch.  It’s like a Russian Roulette of online dating — one bad move and you could end up messaging a guy with a not-so-secret fetish for motor-boating intent on passing on his STDs.  But play your cards right, it’s the equivalent of the trip-and-spill-the-drink-on-the-back — a way to get a message from someone you actually want to talk to, but cannot think of a clever excuse to approach them. My doctor and I can safely say, that my Quickmatch history has resulted in more of the latter encounters.

One such encounter, was just last week, with an adorable square-glassed man (at least in age) hereby known as M.C.  We shared some drinks (him whiskey, me a bourbon-beer cocktail), talked about elitist sports, the pros of growing up on farms (clearly, I can’t think of any), Boston, Colorado, and future concerts that we would attend together.  We walked for a bit before parting ways, and kissed on the corner of a bus stop (thankfully it did not smell like urine).  I’m making this sound more romantic than it actually was, purely for dramatic effect.

I had nice enough time, and found him attractive enough to let him kiss me — so clearly, I was interested in seeing him again.  I should have known that things were doomed that when I told him that I preferred actual talking to long text conversations, and he ignored this tip, and continued to incessantly text me to ask about my day, send me a picture of his broken toe, request some forms of PG-friendly sexting, and make plans for future dates.

The first sign of trouble came when I joked that I there was only a short window of time on Sunday night to hang out because I had a previous engagement that was unbreakable — watching Downton Abbey.  He took me seriously.  Note: What I had actually meant was “On Sunday night, let’s listen to records, drink whiskey AND then also watch Downton Abbey.”


I then approached him about making plans for Friday night, to which he agreed and then we were all set.  A text message from him at 7:30 in the morning asks to confirm plans for the evening, I confirm, but also say that I can’t stay out too late because I have plans later in the night.  To which, M.C., responds that while I possess all three qualities one looks for  in a woman (apparently these are sexy, smart, funny — those magazines are right about one thing!), we’re not compatible, and that there are no hard feelings.


Convinced that I’ve managed to come off as an uninterested, uber-leading-on bitch, I attempt some damage control and over explain my “weird” actions (the Downton Abbey thing was a joke, I don’t like talking via text because people don’t get jokes via text, my Friday night evening plans involved going a Yoga class, and that I didn’t mean to sound like I was trying to brush him off).

“No need to explain. It’s ok,” M.C. says.

I respond with a casual “Heh.  Ok, just for my own sanity really.”

When in fact I want to respond with “I like to live my own life, and yes we’re not compatible because you’re not pleased that I’m not obsessed with you, and you obviously didn’t get my joke about Downton Abbey!” But in all Caps, and also possible bold, with multiple exclamation points.

I still felt like a shitty person.  So, I turned to the wonderful Candace Brooke, where she extolled major advice even though she was just starting to decompress from single-handedly planning her sister’s wedding!

Wise words from CBS

I went on to have a fabulous sweaty time at yoga, enjoying some sun salutations to Madonna jams.  I deleted M.C.’s phone number and any and all records of our texting — it wasn’t compatible with my lifestyle.

This dude was forgotten until I get this message this afternoon:

“If you want to make up for being weird I am free tonight after 630.”

Oh yay!! A chance to prove myself to a stranger!  Let me drop all my plans just to prove to you that I’m a nice person! Thanks so much for that!

Obvis, I told Candace about it.  Her response:

Candace Interprets Boy-Text-Speak

I cooly responded with a “so, were you kidding about thinking that I was acting weird?”

To which he answered yes. I’m calling Shenanigans.


This is where you come in Dear Readers (that is if you’ve managed to stick through this story long enough to reach this point).

Was I in the wrong from the very beginning?  Should I sacrifice all tongue-in-cheek comments when trying out this online-dating thing? Is yoga bad for dating?  And finally, should I even worry about seeing this dude again?  Or has he pretty much blown it?  I’m a sucker for second chances! I need the internet to tell me what to do.


3 Responses to “Internet I Need Your Advice: I Apparently Am Date-Tarded.”

  1. Meredith February 7, 2012 at 3:53 pm #

    Dude, this sounds like every guy I have been on a date with recently…they need to get over themselves and learn some manners. No, I don’t want to send you naked pictures of myself…No, I am not dying to go down on you…No, you are not getting to look at my room on the first date…No, I do not want to go to Panera for our date…UGH! I am so over it…this is why I have an age limit now and a whole list of other requirements, some guys call me a bitch for not being open but at this point I am just protecting my self and my self-esteem!

    • Candace March 9, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

      You go, Meredith! Guys today have no tact, the don’t know how to treat women. They need to know there is a world of difference between going out with a lady and hanging with their buds.

  2. Mike February 7, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

    When in doubt fuck it out.

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