Every Track on Mayer Hawthorne’s New Album Will Make You Want To Have Sex … Possibly with Him

14 Oct

You know how sometimes you listen to an album, or a just even a single song and suddenly you’re playing out the music video in your head?  The music video heavily featuring you as the object of affection?  That’s basically what I’ve been doing while listening to Mayer Hawthorne’s new album, How Do You Do? (which is available on iTunes, in your local record store, and is streaming on Spotify).  In this music video, the general plot is that every song illustrates a moment in time in which tension builds which will eventually culminate in sex.

Look at this fly mofo ... the glasses, the tweed jacket, perfectly pressed. Fellas, take note at how much a well fitted jacket will get you laid / checked out.

I was expecting a lot of things for How Do You Do? — and it definitely builds off of the sound of A Strange Arrangement.  For starters, the vocals are a lot stronger (although I personally prefer the vocals on the No Strings demo versus the album version), and the influences this time around are more diverse and ear-pleasing.  I can easily listen to this album looping 4 times in a row and not have to skip a single song.

How Do You Do?

So, let me present each musical scenario on each track on this album.

#1: Get To Know You

It’s a typical Friday night, and I’ve had an awesome night drinking Gin and Tonics and dancing with Mayer Hawthorne at some basement party.  And then during the last song he pulls me over to some secluded corner and seduces me with this song, where he’s definitely trying to convince me to keep the night going.  He’s being a perfect gentleman and he walks me home — all these are steps in convincing me to let him spend the night, but I’m ok with it, because he seems like a nice boy and hey, I have two boxes of condoms next to my bed.  So why not.  Plus, he’s singing this song to me.  Also this song plays throughout the entire tastefully filmed sex scene.  Everything is very sweetly presented as being PG-13 — when really it’s actually kind of way more racy than that.  But this song requires sensitive sensibilities.

#2:  A Long Time

Ok, so this scenario is partly inspired by the music video that already exists for this song.

In this case, it’s a little bit of Hairspray  mixed in:  I’m the Tracy Turnblad to his dreamy Link Larkin.  Except this time we’re in Detroit instead of Baltimore, and he’s this musician dude that does Community Organizing on the side because he really wants to change up the world, starting with Detroit.  So really, it’s like as if he’s a young Barack Obama who happens to play the tamborine.  And I end up supporting him in his cause and then we celebrate because the motor city is great all over again, and then we pop some champagne — which leads to the “To Be Continued” at the end of the video ….

#3: Can’t Stop

So this music video picks up at the end of the previous one.  I’m currently making the choice of staying Michigan or moving away to go to grad school somewhere else.  And I’ve told him this, and he’s torn up because he’s been wanting to admit his deep feelings for me for quite some time — specifically how awesome and hot I am, and how this increases my sex appeal, and how much sex he wants to have.  But I keep resisting because, that’s what my mom has suggested that I do with dudes that I’m into.  The song basically culminates in what is supposed to be my last night in Detroit, and then he reveals his feelings to me, and then we have like really crazy sex — like the kind that ends in bruises and scratch marks — and then it keeps happening over and over again.  And it’s great.  But the video has a bittersweet ending, because I end up leaving Detroit anyways, and suddenly there’s this whole musical interlude interpretation with some dancers doing some Save The Last Dance moves — just for filler and “edginess.”

On a non-music video related note, this is the best track on the album. First off — Snoop Dogg is on that track, so already you know some crazy shit is about to be depicted in the lyrics.  And I also happen to be obsessed with the last Hawthorne-Snoop collaboration, because that song also leads to sex — the kind of sex that leaves bruises and scratch marks. So if you take Snoop’s love of sex, with Mayer Hawthorne’s soul stylings, and then you just change up Hawthorne’s falsetto for a fucking sexy baritone, and basically you’re ready to throw your panties on stage and promise things to the bouncer so that you can go backstage and be a slutty groupie.

#4: Dreaming

Ok, so it’s a possibility that this may be one of the few music videos that doesn’t involve sex.  This music video takes place all inside Hawthorne’s head, where basically he’s imagining all these scenarios where we’ve been living happily in Detroit.  It’s very cute.  It’s also kind of sad, because it’s kind of like that scene in 500 Days of Summer where JGL realizes that expectations do not equal real life.

#5: The Walk

So, since I left Detroit, Hawthorne and I have actually been keeping in touch.  But the long distance thing is really starting to weigh on us — so basically we’ve decided to resort to attacking each other.  It’s pretty much like the actual music video, except with me. And that’s where this particular story arc ends.

#6: Finally Falling

Ok, so this song totally takes place in high school.  Mayer and I have been like BFFs for our entire lives, I’ve obvis had a crush on him since at least the 8th grade.  Anyhoo, it’s totally the night of the senior prom, and we’re still friends and we’ve seen each other through thick and thin, and I’ve put up with his playboy ways, because he’s like my BFF aiight?  I was really hoping he would ask me out to the prom, but then he totes didn’t — so I’m all sadsies.  So, I end up going with a Junior (totally lame right! i’m really socially awkward in this video — but also attractive — think Rachel Leigh Cook in She’s All That).  He realizes the error of his ways and basically ends up stealing me away from this super lame date and ends up dancing with me and then he sings this song into my ear, and then we make out.  SCHWING.

#7: Hooked

In this music video, I’m basically a total bitch that just uses Mayer Hawthorne for eye-candy, and also as a sugar daddy.  Does that make me a terrible person?

#8: Stick Around

In this video I’m a “career girl” in red stilettos and a pencil skirt trying to make it in the city.  Mayer is my co-worker.  He’s also trying to make it in this crazy cutthroat industry.  But we’ve got each other’s backs.  Anyhoo, I’ve been dating this dude that’s a music promoter because I’m really hoping that that can get me an in to be an agent (Note: I know nothing about music promotion obviously).  But obvis, since my Boo is a music promoter, he’s totally a man whore — but I’m too blind to see it because he’s sooooooo dreamy and like my lurve.  But then I catch him macking on a lady, and I show up at Mayer’s apartment with mascara running down my face looking like total shit and a bottle of sparkly Rosé … but Mayer still thinks I’m totally beautiful and awesome and he kisses me on his doorstep and then I realize that I’ve actually been in love with him all this time.

#9: The News

This is the follow up video to Hooked where Mayer stands up for himself and says that my trifling and using ways will no longer stand.  We get into a fight, and then have make-up sex.  (most if not all of these videos need to involve sex in some form or another, ok?)

#10: You Called Me

Ok — this music video is really Mary Tyler Moore meets That 90s music video from The Foo Fighters where they make fun of Mentos.  Basically, in this video, I’m the mentos that will help Mayer make it after all.  I’m basically a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.  I also wear really cute outfits and 60s frocks to correspond / match his awesomely coordinated suits.  We probably get milkshakes at the Ice Cream Shoppe at some point in this video.

#11: You’re Not Ready

At this point, Mayer and I have basically been going steady for quite some time now.  We’ve gone through all the steps, parents, holidays, combining of furniture, all that good stuff.

#12: No Strings

This music video pretty much involves vignettes of my real life.  Except let’s replace every dude I’ve ever met with Mayer Hawthorne.  And we miraculously keep randomly running into each other in random places and deciding to have no strings attached sex.  Each time we pretend like we don’t know each other — keeps it interesting like that.

Well, now that I’ve officially declared myself as a person with way too much time on their hands and an overactive imagination and also sex drive, I will now await judgement from the interwebs.  Don’t be too harsh — I’ve only just admitted what you’ve been too scared to.

Also, go buy this album! Check him out on tour with Chromeo!  This album will get you laid!  For realzies.

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