Flake and Bake

30 May

If there’s one thing in the world that irritates Candace and myself, it’s people that are fucking flakes.  It incites FEMINIST-HULK tendencies inside me and makes me wanna cut a bitch when people don’t follow through on their promises.

Candace put it perfectly, “I’m like a five-year old.  You tell me we’re gonna have ice cream, and I’m going to be thinking about that ice cream all fucking day.”  Preach it sister.  Unfortunately, not everyone is all up on the delicious factors of ice cream (great flavor, and also the nice cooling off factor that helps when you’re stuck in a humid DC summer).  When people don’t want to engage in eating ice cream, the best thing to do is to have a contingency plan, and find something even better than Ice Cream to have — like maybe a root beer float or something.

Only flakey people don't want ice cream

Options include:

  • Wii Boxing — because then you can make a Mii that looks like the asshole that stood you up on that lunch date and you can beat the shit out of him, and at the same time work on sculpting those Michelle Obama arms.
  • Do Your Nails — because you’ve been biting your nails this whole week in anticipation/nerves based on what will/will not happen and they look like little nubs.  A nice little nail polish will automatically make you feel like hot shit because now you can wear pretty rings and you don’t look like a sad little 10 year old with a nervous tick.
  • Get out of your house — honestly. This is probably the most important thing that you can do when someone bails, leave the house.  Or you’ll get stuck in a rut that involves listening to Lauryn Hill and Adele on shuffle-repeat.  You won’t even bother doing laundry, and then you’ll start to smell, and one month later your body will be found half-eaten by direwolves.  It doesn’t matter what you do once you leave the house, just get out.
  • “Lose” Your Cell Phone — you know you’ve been checking your email and text messages all day long.  Hide your cell phone at the bottom of your laundry hamper, maybe take the battery out too.
  • Make Back-Up Plans with your flakey friend — Ok, maybe this is hypocritical.  But we all have a flakey friend.  Someone who is a doll of a person, but always preoccupied or just completely spastic.  This is a good person to make plans with if there’s the possibility that your original plans get canceled.  Because, then if Plan A does happen, Spazzy friend will be all like “whatevs! I totally slept in anyways!” and then everyone wins.
If all else fails, just start a blog with your best friend and just tell the internet (ie, your best friend and only person who reads the blog) all about it.  BOOM.
Candace, did I miss anything?
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2 Responses to “Flake and Bake”

  1. killacan May 30, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

    I think you got it covered lady! I am ALL about the wii boxing! It’s good for the mind and the body. Also I would suggest, in general, to investing in a Netflix account. That way you’ll always have something to do when the d-bag flakes. Impromptu slumber party, anyone?!

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